reflections on a sullen evening

I remember the lights in the northern air. They seemed so unnatural, but they were there just the same. I wanted to believe they were something special and even convinced myself; this was supposed to be, this was one of those unforgettable moments that make life worth the struggle, this was real. 
It’s been years and remembered still, yet somehow they lost their meaning. Maybe I was dreaming or maybe just naive. It’s possible that life just meant so much more back then. Where does it all go? When did it change?
Remember Teresa. Remember her smile. There was never another like it, especially when you finally looked her way and acknowledged her presence. God we were teens, but the passion was so deep and filled with careless and reckless adventure. It was not the first for either of us while still being the first passionate of each kiss, each touch, and each feeling. Then, it was all gone and then pushed out of center mind into the trash bin of no dispose. 
Remember the children playing in the yard. Their silly little games and senseless fights. Remember how they adored you and always needed to be against or sitting on you and life was right. Remember the silence after that horrid night; that life changing fight. The pain of the apparitional figures running and laughing around the swing set that was actually half covered in high grass. A scant trace of where the dirt used to remain clear under each swing. 
Your values don’t change and you’re not necessarily jaded. Just more careful about where you let your interests wander. Perhaps a little too anxious to run, but the flags fly red. Tolerating what’s not necessary just doesn’t seem feasible anymore. The barriers aren’t up just the risks. The less gained the less lost. Maybe gray hairs and wisdom are the reward for observation and learned mistakes, but the joys of childish enthusiasm and careless chance are missed. To not know the painful results and stakes, the wonder of ignorance and discovery that is lost.  

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